Friday, January 2, 2015

What do Mormons do at coffee break?

Stumped Google, it did. My nephew said it sounds like the beginning of a joke, there is very little Mormon humour. There is plenty to make fun of.

I remember someone telling me they had worked in Las Vegas during one of the building booms. Southern and eastern Nevada has many Mormons. He was recounting a discussion at coffee break. I mentioned that Mormons do not drink coffee. He did not pay attention to it in Vegas. Well, what do they do at coffee break?

Mormons and the internet: it is faster than the library book stacks, but still not that quick. One thing that the Mormons have in common with the Masons is being successful to keep a secret. But the internet is defeating them [click], and diminishing them. They are also very testy about non-admirers whom seek accurate answers. Now, such close examination might be applied to many (or all) religions; certainly many atheists would think so. “New religious movement” is a euphemism for cult, both terms have been applied to Mormonism; so have they been to other ‘restoration religions’ (Adventists, Jehovah Witnesses, et cetera). Another thing they share with some Protestants is tithing, and strictly so.
“... It is chloroform in print. ...The book seems to be merely a prosy detail of imaginary history, with the Old Testament for a model; followed by a tedious plagiarism of the New Testament. ...The Mormon Bible is rather stupid and tiresome to read...” — Mark Twain
Humour is where you find it. Part of the Mormon mythology, as presented in their book, is that Jesus preached in America. Some [3rd president/prophet, John Taylor] Mormons believe that Quetzalcoatl was Jesus*. The Book of Ether is the penultimate book within the Book of Mormon. Ether is a prophet of the Jaredites. Ether is the grandson of king Moron [sic]. Much of the Book of Mormon is written in the manner of the King James Version of the Bible (some pages are duplicated). Why would “reformed Egyptian” translate this way in nineteenth century America? Why would ancient Hebrew immigrants to America write in “reformed Egyptian”, when the Old Testament was mostly in Hebrew? Why is no other record, anywhere, in “reformed Egyptian”?
“And they also had horses, and asses, and there were elephants, and cureloms, and cumoms; all of which were useful unto man, and more especially the elephants, and cureloms, and cumoms” — Ether ix.19.  
The historical†, anthropological, and geological record in the Americas do not suggest any of these animals lived in the Americas in the years after Jesus (or Abraham). By sentence form there seems to be an equine group (horse and ass), and an elephantidae/proboscidae (animals with trunks) group. What is a curelom, or a cumom? Mammoths, mastodons, snuffelupagi? The only snuffelupagus i know of is Aloysius on Sesame Street, Bird is his friend.

*Pity the history teachers of Mormon students. Can a non-Mormon keep the job at a Mormon school? How many Mormons are there on the schoolboards?  Mark Twain also wrote, “In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made School Boards.”

nota bene: t-shirt design found at Rocky Davies
†Zarahemla is the previous Mormon name of the small village, Blanchardville Wisconsin. It was named after a mythical capital destroyed by lightning by Jesus, who also destroyed a number of cities after his Crucifixion. The supposed site has been suggested to be in the Isthmus of Tehuantepec, or western New York, or Chile, and recently Malaya.

Also presented is a huge Hebrew/Israelite population that was destroyed by beyond massive internecine armored battle. The last was by the Hill of Cumorah which was fought by numbers never seen again until World War I. Of the hundreds of thousands of Nephites, only twenty-four survived (and they were hunted down), the last being, Mormon, the writer of the last book of Mormon. Of the victors, the Lamanites, there is no note in 'Gentile' records, history, archaeology, et cetera. Mormons say they are Indians, possibly Polynesians.

In Palestine, Syria, Egypt, and other places in the near East digging a road, a foundation, planting a tree results in new archaeological finds that make world press. Mormon archaeologists find no artifacts in their diggings.

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